ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
