there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Please, let me fuck your mom
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
