Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
