she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
