if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
