if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
