the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize