I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
