Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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