A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
