Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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