i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
