i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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