i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
