an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
