Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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