i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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