Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
