well you can't waste a boner
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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