Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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