forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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