i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
