Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
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