dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
