rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
