On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
thus making me awesome and them whores
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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