New low: just hacked my moms facebook
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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