I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
