I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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