You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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