anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
