On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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