im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize