Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
