all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
