I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Randomize
