So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
