i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
