Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
