the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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