Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
