He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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