Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize