I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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