I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
