jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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