I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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