I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
