Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Is Oprah even human
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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