I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
