Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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