Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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