I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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