my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
