I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Someone signed my nipple.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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