I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
