May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize