i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
