I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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